Mercenary, Heal Thy Self!
by Spawn Guy
Summary: Deadpool goes to the ninja. But not just any ninja! A doctor ninja! Wait...


The Doctor's webcomic is the simply adorable brain child of Chris Hasing. I suggest you all go and read it, or I shall unleash upon you a wave of sarcasm and abuse that not evenyour BFFL on Myspace will be able to save you. Go away everyone who dsen't know who Deadpool belongs to.

---

"There we go Mr…"

"Wilson, Doc. Wade Wilson."

"Oh, the mercenary!"

The Doctor's eyes crinkle with fan boy related pleasure.

"Yep."

"Tell me…what's Batman like in person?"

The notably two eyed, masked, un-orange face stares back for exactly twenty seconds before responding.

"Short."

"Really?"

A shrug. It sends small bits of plastic sprinkling out of a rip in the red and black material. Like a little sharp snow storm of death.

"Nope. I wouldn't know, I missed my chance for a variant cover team up back in 95. Never met the guy. Although I _did _think Christian Bale's performance was sub par."

The masked Doctor kicks away from the gurney, trained fingers running over a pencil, looking for a pad. Technically it should be on a chart, but that's the benefit of a patient having a healing factor. Why can't every patient have a healing factor?

"True. **SWEAR TO ME**, for God's sake."

Blank eyes roll.

"Not even Punisher sounds like that. Like this one time I hid growth hormones in Al's daily shot to see if she'd notice And also if she'd grow forty feet high and win me that bet with Crazy Face. She did and I didn't. What are you writing down?"

"Recommendation for tranquillisers."

"You've known me off panel for five minutes!"

A fist pumps.

"New record!"

"For me."

"Ah."

A professional ripping sound and the crisp paper is slotted into a pocket full of pens, throwing stars, Batman key chains…the usual. Right above the shiny laminated tag on the stark white coat. Deadpool eye sit hungrily.

_Ninja Doctor Card. Must Have!_

Fortunately this looks like Deadpool before he started looking at it hungrily, so the Doctor dosen't notice as he spins his oiled swivel chair (you never know when you may have to (a) kick away from something at high speed or (b) set something on fire and throw it into somebody's throat. Speaking of which…

"Again, I must apologise for ramming that tongue depressor into your throat and used it to remove your kidneys. I was blind with rage, pain and I was pretty sure some one was playing Kung Fu Fighting and that's like the Holocaust for ninjas. We suffer a pretty instant reaction."

Most people make a fist to demonstrate. This person actually leaves a notch in his desk with one quick movement. The little coffee mug does not fall over, and that's kind of anti climactic. The mercenary shrugs.

"Actually that uncovered all sorts of repressed memories that I can now deal with in glorious closure."

"Really?"

"No. Aw jeez Gram Gram…how could ya?"

"Well I'm sure now that shards of iPod are no longer embedded in your not all that horrifically scarred ears and kidneys, you'll be happy to know that while I'm not a member of Superhuman Registration Act anything you'd need to know is with the NHS, and they actually have little voodoo dolls to prevent any of us getting out of line so that's pretty much that."

"Thanks Doctor…"

"McNinja."

"Okay, see ya."

"Bye."

"Bye!"

The Doctor watches Deadpool leave. Thank God Yoshi wasn't here, the noise would have driven the creature insane and then Judy would have to pick up all the raptor droppings and he'd never hear the end of it. See rather. Sign language can be pretty insistent.

"Goodbye…weirdo."

The Doctor presses he button connecting him to the gorilla in the other room.

"Judy cancel all my appointments please. I need to trim my eyebrows for kidney traces. Hey…where'd my ID badge go?"

---

A red and black form leaps rooftops, a hint of laminated perfection glinting in the moonlight on it's chest. Technically it had to be pinned there by going straight into Deadpool's chest, but at least there's no blood on it. Yet.

_Ah, a doctor badge! Hello free hair cuts, sensual house calls and long monologues to sad yet uplifiting music without the use of little yellow boxes!_

Later, Deadpool will be responsible for multiple injuries, more deaths, and a handful of pretty impressive misdiagnoses. Dr McNinja will be forced to regain his license at the cost of trading his love for Batman to Mephisto…luckily tricking the demon lord into accepting only his memories of Pre Crisis Batman, meaning Year One is still the shit as far as he's concerned. He will later proceeded to introduce Mr Wilson to his friend Dr B. Saw, sending most of the dismembered mercenary to various hell holes around the world (Gordito will suggest Jersey is a little harsh and will later be sent running to bed crying when the Doctor explains jokes about New Jersey aren't clever anymore) little knowing each body part will regrow, leading to multiple Deadpool's all debuting and promptly dying in a very familiar story line. But that's a story for another time.


End file.
